It sounds as though your little one is in a habit of waking up being soothed in a certain way. There is no easy way to break this habit – patience, consistency and perseverance, but it can be done. It’s about gradually getting her used to putting herself back to sleep when she wakes up at night. Start with holding her for ten minutes, putting her down for five, then repeat that until gradually the time you hold her is less and the time she is on her own is more. I’m not a fan of letting them cry themselves to sleep. This is a way to help them learn how to self-soothe, while still letting them know that they aren’t on their own. You might want to start by staying in the room during the time you put her down. Be patient. She might get worse for a little while before she gets better, but this is completely normal – when something that used to work stops working, we’ll all tend to do more of what used to work until we learn that it really doesn’t work any more.

Try not to be there when she falls asleep. As much as this is something you do out of great love, it can also undermine her ability to learn how to self-soothe. Don’t lose heart if things don’t change quickly. Keep going and be consistent – it can take anywhere from 3-5 weeks to form a new habit (and lose an old one).

Hi Sara – so pleased you’re finding the articles here helpful! Two little ones in a room can definitely make bedtimes challenging. Sounds like they have fun winding each other up a little. Persistence will be key for this one. The only other thing I can suggest is to try some relaxation exercises before hand. (Maybe progressive muscle relaxation?). On the plus side, the fun they have before bedtime will be some of their fondest memories one day. Be patient and persistent and keep with your routine – it sounds like a lovely one.

Do you have any tips on how to settle a 17 month old that wakes in the middle of the night unsettled and becomes very distressed if I try to lay her back in her cot. It takes 2-4 hours of holding her, eventually exhaustion kicks in and she falls asleep enough for me to be able to place her back in her cot.

She is a self settler at night. We follow the same bed time ritual each night. The problem is if she wakes then I am up anywhere between 2-4 hours trying to settle her back to sleep.

We have tried co-sleeping but she isn’t a fan of it.

Thanks

It’s great that you have a psych you can work with. Keep working with her on this. The reason your daughter is getting stuck with her habits is because they are the behaviours that help to keep her anxiety at bay. The reason the consequences you’re putting in place usually don’t work is because those consequences aren’t worse than the anxiety or her experience when she isn’t using her habits to control them. It’s also not something she is doing to be defiant or naughty. For her, it’s a way to feel safe. When she does it, it activates the feel-good chemicals that surge when we get something we want. This is why it will be difficult for her just to stop it without replacing it with something else. The idea is to find something that is healthier for her than what she is doing now.

There is a ton of research that shows that mindfulness can help with anxiety. It changes the structure and function of the brain to strengthen against anxiety. Something to try might be a mindfulness practice before bed. Here is an article that explains that https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/. Smiling Minds have a brilliant app that plays different mindfulness exercises for different ages. Here is the link for you to have a look at http://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/. Headspace also have one that is popular but Smiling Minds is the one I’m familiar with. Smiling Minds is free. I’m not sure about Headspace but here is the link if you want to take a look at that one too https://www.headspace.com/. This might be a way to replace the habit with a healthier one. It might be something to explore with your psych if you haven’t already.

Jonas I love this idea. Thanks for sharing.