Shelly I completely understand how much something like this can stretch your family. First of all, you are doing the right thing by not caving in. Your little man needs to know exactly where the limits are and it’s really confusing for them if those limits keep getting moved around. It’s normal for all kids to experiment with the limits. His job is to find where he fits into the world and he will do this by establishing himself as a separate person to you. All kids will do this differently, but sometimes this will mean pushing against you big time. When he is angry, acknowledge what you see, ‘I can see you’re really angry with me right now’. At five he is still trying to find the words that fit his experience and this can be really frustrating. Using words helps to tame the emotion by giving it meaning and structure. Big emotions come from the right brain. The structure and meaning and words for that come from the left. In high emotion, there is a disconnect between the left and the right, so without the structure and meaning from the left brain, the feeling feels overwhelming and big. He may not be able to access his left brain, but you can ‘loan’ him yours by giving him the meaning and the words. ‘It’s annoying when … isn’t it.’ ‘I really understand why you’re angry. You want … and I’m saying no. That would make me angry too if someone said no to me.’ This will help him to feel heard and validated.

His anger is a valid feeling and it’s completely healthy and normal to feel this. What isn’t okay is what he is doing with it. Validate the feeling, redirect the behaviour. When he is calm, talk about what has happened. Don’t try to reason with him in the midst of an angry outburst. The part of the brain that is receptive to logic and reasoning is ‘offline’. When he is angry, he is being driven by instinct and impulse and that is what you need to respond to. Let the consequences be not for his anger, but for his disrespect, but make sure the consequences aren’t shaming. Discuss this when he is calm. Perhaps the consequence can be something like helping you with dinner instead of play time or tv or whatever else he would ordinarily do then. This is a consequence that makes sense because the problem with an angry outburst is that it hurts people and causes disconnect. Take the opportunity to nurture his empathy. ‘What do you think it is like for me when you yell?’ The idea is to try to support him in thinking about this from another point of view. Empathy can be difficult to learn, but such so important. The more you can nurture that, the better he will be for it. H

Here is an article about anger and kids and teaching them to be the boss of their brain – https://www.heysigmund.com/raising-kids-emotionally-intelligent-kids-teens-anger-how-to-be-the-boss-of-your-brain/
And here is one about what to do when anxiety looks like aggression. The strategies here will be useful even if it’s not anxiety – https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-or-aggression-children/

You’re so welcome Rachel. I hope they can help your little man find some comfort.

Thank you so much for your quick response. I really appreciate all points and an anxious to implement.

As for camp, I think something did happen, although I don’t know exactly what (something like not getting passed the ball, being the worst one, and bullies). He’s a major perfectionist so not being good at things makes him instantly shut down and never want to try again.

I’m just worried about how this affects life – we’re never going to be good unless we try and then practice a lot, but I can’t even get him to the “trying” part.

He definitely compares, and part of the root of this is that one of his best friends (also who he used to attend private/home school with) happens to be a VERY bright girl (reading at a 5th grade level at 7) she’s very gifted and as much as he loves her, I think she’s become the benchmark of normal (she also attended bball camp with him). We felt her influence wasn’t good for his confidence or socializing, which was part of why we switched to public school.

He also thought he was going into 2nd grade, but as an August 26 baby, we decided to keep him back and start in 1st grade, another blow to his extremely fragile ego.

All this to say, much of this could have been avoided had I known, but now it’s all in retrospect. I just want to move forward and help him move on.

He is terrified of being embarrassed, that is his most verbalized phobia right now, 2nd to failing.

????

What do we do.

All this to say

Hi Katie,

It sounds as though your little man is struggling a bit at the moment, and I understand how helpless this can make you feel as a parent. Kids will always have times where it feels as though they’re moving a little off track – it’s all part of their learning and experimenting with the world and their relationships. As a parent, you have a lot of power to steer him in a better direction. Kids do great things when they are given the right information. I can see how open you are to this so you have enormous capacity to do this and to make a difference.

Here are a few articles, just in case you haven’t read them yet. This one explains where anxiety comes from https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-kids/. Having this knowledge can be really empowering, though you may need to have quite a few little conversations, rather than one big one, so the information doesn’t overload him.

This one explains where anger comes from https://www.heysigmund.com/raising-kids-emotionally-intelligent-kids-teens-anger-how-to-be-the-boss-of-your-brain/ and again, can be really empowering. It also talks about ways to manage it. And here is one about building emotional intelligence generally https://www.heysigmund.com/social-emotional-intelligence/.

Don’t blame yourself for anything you’ve done. As parents, we do the best we can with what we have – sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. (I’ve done plenty of things that have haven’t worked!) The good thing is that even when what we do doesn’t work, we can turn it around. It’s really normal to want to talk them out of what they’re feeling or push against them – it’s so normal! – but something that might work better is receiving his feelings and naming what he’s feeling. He needs to know that you understand what he’s feeling. Even though you do understand, the important part is that he really feels this too. He also needs a hand to put his feelings into words. At 7 he won’t have all of the words himself yet. When he is overwhelmed with emotion, there’s a disconnect from the part of his brain that is rational and logical and able to make sense of what he’s feeling, and instead he acts purely from the primal, instinctive, automatic part. When you name what you see in him (‘I can see that you are really worried about going to school. I understand that. It’s hard when you have to do something you don’t want to do isn’t it.’ I really get that.’) it gives him the words to make sense of what he’s feeling and slowly brings back the logical, rational part of his brain so he can make more sense of his behaviour and find calm. Don’t worry if it doesn’t happen straight away. Good things take time. The main thing to know is that you’re strengthening his capacity to respond in a healthier way every time you do this.

One final thought, and I appreciate that you’ve probably already explored this, but did anything happen on camp? Sometimes kids hear things or experience things that can leave them feeling hurt but they don’t really know why. He might not have the words to articulate, he might be feeling a little bit of shame around it, it might have come from him comparing himself to others, or it may have been something that, on the face of it seemed okay, but just made him feel bad. It might not even be anything that was done maliciously. Sometimes it’s not always obvious to them (or us) why they feel like they do. Even though he might not be with those kids at school, being in a group of kids can trigger the same feelings that he had on camp. If this is the case, and he’s being triggered by the similarities, point out how school is different to camp. Also, acknowledging his feelings and letting him know that you understand and that what he’s feeling is really normal will help him to slowly make sense of things. I wish you and your little man all the very best.

Now we’re dealing with school refusal. He’s always been extemely bright, magnanimous, energetic, and thoughtful. He’s always had tons of friends and been wee liked. Lately I find him self loathing, this thinking he’s bad at everything, ripping up his assignments from school because he doesn’t want me to see them. At back to school night he didn’t have one of the five displayed assignments up on the wall (somehow he managed to take them down before I got there).

He doesn’t want to try any sports, or wear new clothes to school or be noticed. He’s really struggling with reading and writing, which is now becoming g a mental block. He’s refused to go to school now three times. Unfortunately, it became an all out war of force, extremely violent behavior on his side and eventually, I gave in, which only makes the fight or flight scenario worse because he’s gotten out of it three times so it’s reinforced the flight mechanism.

I know he has so much potential but is a little prisoner of his feelings, fear and anxiety. The hardest part for me is that he once was a sweet, happy little guy and he’s beginning to develop a negative mindset towards everything. He now has a more aggressive coping mechanism, where he will take out his feelings on me or his little sister or brother in punching, screaming, etc. How do you help channel this?

I will be implenting some of these steps. I feel helpless, but after reading your articles, may see some hope.

I would like to believe that as his parents we have the ability to get him through this and I’m not against therapy, but I don’t want him labeled or diagnosed with something he associates with his whole life. I think we’ve contributed to his behavior by not understanding him and fighting him — becoming educated is really helping.

Sorry for the lengthy message, were just desperate.

All the best,
Katie

Hi,

Thank you, that is some great advice. it definitely seems as though there is no reasoning with her or even trying to explain to her when she is in a ‘state’. I have been trying to say to her that its ok to feel scared etc. and that I understand. I think labelling for her a bit more would be a great idea.

Thanks again

Your little one sounds as though she picks up on everything, so it’s not surprising that the changes that are happening around her are affecting her. It’s difficult to make sense of new things, especially when you have the thoughts and feelings but perhaps not all the words. The anxiety she goes through at separation is normal for her age, though I know how awful it must be for you to leave her so upset.

When children become overwhelmed, it’s become there is a disconnect between the instinctive, emotional part of their brain (which is where anxiety comes from) and the logical, thinking part of the brain. The thinking part becomes flooded and disengages. When this happens, they are completely ruled by instinct and feeling because the logical, ‘calm down – you’re safe’ messages find it harder to get through. This is a really normal part of anxiety – in adults too. What needs to happen is for the logical thinking part of her brain to reconnect with the impulsive, feeling part of her brain, and you can help her do this.

The most powerful way is to name her feelings. In this way, you’re kind of ‘loaning’ her the logical, thinking part of your brain so she can make sense of things and find calm. The more you do it, the more you’re strengthening the neural connections between the two parts of her brain.

So, when she’s saying that she doesn’t want you to go, validate her and name what she’s showing you. Put her feelings into words, ‘You’re worried about me going to hospital, I understand that. It’s something we haven’t done before isn’t it and new things can always be a little be scary.’ Don’t try to change it or fix it – just notice and be a really calm, strong presence for her. By doing this, you’re giving her a context for her feelings and helping her to reconnect the emotional part of her brain with the logical thinking part. Try the same thing when she talks to you about the other kids at school, maybe something like, ‘You’re worried about what the kids at school think of you. I get that. I feel the same way sometimes when I’m with new people. It can be confusing when you don’t know what people are thinking can’t it.’ There’s more information here:
Building Emotional Intelligence – What to Say to Children When They Are Anxious: https://www.heysigmund.com/building-emotional-intelligence-what-to-say-to-children-with-anxiety/
Hope this helps.